“What am I going to do?” Dorothy stormed into my kitchen visibly in a mess.
“What’s up?” I aim to remain poised and calm.
“The Nigerian con scam! I can’t believe I was so stupid!” she wails.
“Well yes, it is as old as the internet itself. Did you honestly really fall for it?”
“I really thought at first that I was talking to some American soldier in Kuwait. I swear to god I did. Although admitted he was a creep talking about getting married and we don’t really know each other. His English was so good.” She’s looking for excuses.
“Well they are in for the big money, so of course these con artists put more time and effort into perfecting their plans. Anyway, what are you still so bothered about. Do you really think your mom is going to fall for it?” I am trying to bring her back to reality.
“You never know. She might. She is pretty desperate for a boyfriend. Oh Fiona. She’s going to sue me for losing all her money.”
I’m just going to let her feel this a little longer. Maybe she won’t do such stupidities again in future. “Well you did set her up.”
“Oh I did, didn’t I? I’m so bad.” She starting to look terrified now. “What am I going to do?”
“How should I know?” Why is this becoming my problem?
“You’re the computer expert.” Ah you see, always turning the tables on me.
“Okay, well start by deleting the conversation you had with this guy on Twitter and block him completely.” Yeah, I am an expert after all.
“Oh yes, good thinking. Wipe out all evidence. What else?”
“Make a Tinder profile for your mom.” I’m doing my best now to hide the mischief in my voice.
She stops for a moment and blinks at me. “Why am I going to do that? How will that help me in court?”
“You obviously think you’re mother isn’t doing a good job at finding herself a boyfriend. I mean, really Dorothy, what were you thinking? You were going to find her a partner? Surely this is something she is rather well skilled at.” I mark a pause at this just to let it sink in.
“You’re right.” Aha, of course I am. “I mean honestly, I don’t think I can keep count of how many boyfriends she keeps introducing to the family. Before she throws them away and starts all over again.”
“See, she’s doing just fine. Doesn’t need your help. If it does become a problem, just tell her it was a good joke in bad taste.” Which in all due honesty, it was.
I can see that Dorothy’s mind is wandering. “Do you know how Tinder works?”
Oh, she’s asking the digital ‘expert’ again I suppose? “No I don’t. I have a boyfriend, remember. I’m in a committed relationship. Don’t do open relationships, darling.”
She’s not really listening to me. “This looks interesting. Maybe I should set up a profile for myself. For research purposes, of course.”
“This is where it all starts, Dorothy. You keep doing these things and getting yourself into trouble each time.” I am not amused.
“What could possibly go wrong.” I can tell she needs more convincing.
“You’ll meet loads more of those weirdos, just like on Twitter,” I start. “You’ll also get extremely rude pigs asking you for nudes and naughty pictures. You do know you shouldn’t ever ever ever send out naughty pics over the internet, don’t you. You never who might end up seeing them.”
“Oh just imagine, you might end up with a co-worker having a huge crush on you.”
“That’s the best case scenario,” some battles are just not worth fighting.
“Spit or swallow?” Dorothy is looking at me with big popping eyes.
“Excuse me?” I don’t think I heard that correctly.
“What do you do with your man’s happy ending?” She keeps her gaze steady on me now.
“That’s not really the important part,” I whisper to her keeping her in suspense.
“It’s not? Then what?” Haha, I now have her full attention.
“If you want to keep your man, you need to give blow jobs on a daily basis.”
“You’re not serious!” Now I’m going in for the kill.
“Oh yes I am. You need to blow, blow, blow.” I’m all smiles now. The expression on her face is priceless.
“That’s it? The secret to a lasting relationship is that simple?”
“Darling, which one of us is in a long term relationship and on the brink of getting married? You or me?”
What do you think ? Should Dorothy set up a Tinder profile for her mother ? Let me know in the comments below.