Yesterday evening I was greeted by a gloomy looking Dorothy. I hadn’t seen her in a few days, but she had sounded very happy on the phone. Said she was busy writing her erotica thriller and also some cheeky short stories. So busy, busy, busy.

“What’s up?” I try to ask her casually.

“My short story got blocked.” Dorothy looks miserable. “On Amazon Kindle.”

“Oh, they didn’t like your story ? That’s odd. You’re so great with words.” And it’s true, I’m not even trying to smooth her over. Dorothy has a keen pen.

“No. The comment read that my content was inappropriate.” She sulks.

“Oh dear, did you make it too hardcore?” I ask her.

“Well no, I’m calling a cat a cat. I mean erotica is meant to be explicit, isn’t it?” Aha, Dorothy sparks up with some fiery gestures.

“Yes, it is in such, but don’t forget that what’s erotic for most women is more the suggestion than anything else. I mean, remember ’50 shades of grey’ ?”

“Oh yes, that novel. That’s the worst piece of literature I’ve read in a long while. That one and the book about the woman who was into auto-writing with her nose. She said she was channeling.” Dorothy sniffs.

’50 shades of nothing’

And I agree. ’50 shades of grey’ was the most sugary novel I’ve read too. Poor writing skills, a very meagre plot line, and the sex… Well I’m sorry ladies, but if that’s what turns you on, then it’s time you come out of your kitchen. For god’s sake, that was lame. The woman who wrote that story has clearly never experienced what bondage or bdsm is about. And I doubt she’s ever experienced an orgasm. It tasted bland. She should at least have taken some love capsules before writing.

Also, I know I’m on a rant here, but the book ’50 shades of grey’ isn’t even an original idea. The woman stole it from a B-grade movie she’s obviously seen and then just glossed over the characters. She didn’t even change Mr Grey’s name. That’s how unimaginative the author is. Anyone interested in the original story, which is in fact way more juicy, should get a version of the DVD ‘The Secretary‘. Guaranteed it will get you wetter than that stupid book.

Back to Dorothy’s writing skills

“Let me read your story. I’ll give you an honest opinion.” I offer.

Later that evening after my littles had gone to bed, I sat down to read Dorothy’s first attempt at writing erotica. And my goodness, I almost fell out of my sofa.

“Dorothy, it’s me.” I’ve called her on the phone. “Listen up darling. Your writing is brilliant as usual. But it’s as I suspected. You’re too hard. You’re going to have soften up your story a lot. Or at least have a go at doing something semi hard.”

“You think so ? How am I supposed to do that ? I mean, there aren’t really that many euphemisms for two young people enjoying a good portion of fudge together.” Dorothy snaps back.

“Look, there’s going to have to be a whole lot less of fudge and a portion more of hugging. In fact, there’s got to be a lot more hugging and just a slight hint to impure thoughts.” I’m doing my best to be of the best advice I possibly can.

“More hugging, huh.” Dorothy doesn’t sound amused. “And what about the episode with the banana and the hairbrush. Is my heroine meant to hug those too?”

“No, you’re right, that would sound silly.” And I try to think quickly. “Maybe you can allude to your heroine looking at those objects and then turning scarlet because this evoked rather vivid images in her mind. Without actually describing what she wants to do with these objects.”

“You think so, but that’s just plain nonsense.” Dorothy replies meekly.

“Look my whimsical darling, most women will just drop dead whilst reading your stories. And that’s not what you want. So soften up a bit. I know you can do it.” I encourage her.

And with that, Dorothy returned to her laptop to build her imaginative stories in this digital world. I’m very curious to read her politically correct version. Though I must admit the raw sugar version was pretty damn good. Just not for the faint of heart.

 

What do you think ? What is a good measure for making sure Dorothy’s stories aren’t too hardcore for the wider public to read ? Let me know in the comments below.

 

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