“Oooh you know the other day I was having cocktails with this guy who’s a professional computer hacker.” Dorothy starts her story.

“You mean that strange guy you worked with at Telenet, who has all these weird and wonderful ideas ?” I ask her.

“Yes that’s the one.” Dorothy confirms.

“Well I’m going to stop you right there. There are things that I know. And there are things that I don’t know. And then there are things that I don’t know that I don’t know. For most of those unknowns I would like to imagine that those are all fabulous things yet to be discovered. The dark net however is something I just don’t want to know about.” I point out.

“Oh I see…” Dorothy trails off. “It must be something like when my mom starts telling us that, and I quote: ‘she is still very active‘.” And Dorothy adds all the gestures to that statement.

“Yes indeed. It’s the kind of thing I don’t want to know about.” I confirm yet again. “I mean, it’s one thing that she keeps getting new boyfriends and then tossing them back again. Hell yes, if I were here age, I’d be having fun as well. I wouldn’t be looking for nobody’s approval. But does she have to keep introducing every Tom, Dick and Harry she sleeps with to the kids ? They get confused, you know.”

“I bet they do…” Dorothy is clearly somewhere else in her thoughts, but I don’t give up yet.

“Or maybe she’s still trying to get Fwa-Fwa jealous.” I make a pointed statement. For the unknowing reader, Fwa-Fwa is Dorothy’s stepdad, or her mom’s ex-husband.

Dorothy looks up at me and drawls out in the same tone as her mom can do : “Oh Fwaaaah-Fwaaaah…” And we both start laughing. Especially knowing that Fwa-Fwa is just what would classify as genetic garbage. It’s the end of a lineage. It’s the ultimate of genetic degeneration. “I mean come on, who calls their partner by their first name ? All the time ?”

“Fwa-Fwa, get her, Fwa-Fwa !” Dorothy mimics her mom again in that stupid little voice, taking extra care to drawl out the name. And then in a more serious tone : “What do you call your man ?”

“Sweetie darling, we’re ab fab, you know.” And I wink at her.

“How come at the age of 66 my mom still hasn’t understood that you seduce a man on your feet, not on your back.” Dorothy muses. “If you really want him to fall in love, that is.”

“Your mother doesn’t know what love is. That’s where the true problem lies.” I point out to Dorothy.

“Do you, Fiona dear ? Do I ?” Dorothy has a knack of questioning herself perpetually.

“When I look at my children and I see that they are happy, well-behaved and polite, then yes, I believe I’m doing a good job. Don’t forget, I’m an empress. I’m a warm, loving and kind type of woman. On top of that I’m successful and living in abundance. My children are happy and surrounded by love. When my children come up to me spontaneously for a cuddle and whisper ‘mama, I love you’… That’s the moment I know for sure that I am love. For how my children behave towards me is a mirror of the love I have fed them.” I tell her with a certain note of motherly pride.

“You know my cousin Shizzalot ?” Dorothy starts on a new thread.

“Yes, I see who you mean. She’s the fancy one, right ?” I observe.

“Oh she’s fancy alright. I just love her, so beautiful and always well dressed, accessories coordinated. She’s just fantastic, don’t you think ?” Dorothy beams.

“I’m glad to hear you say that. I know you love her even if you don’t have any ‘favourites’ amongst your cousins.” I reply.

“And I think it’s wonderful how she took control of her own insecurities. Her breast enhancement is the best thing she could have done to boost her self-esteem. A bit like having your teeth capped has added to your confidence levels.” Dorothy admires.

“Very true, Dorothy dear, very true.” I confirm. “Though I must admit I haven’t stopped thinking about our previous conversation.”

“Which one ?” Dorothy looks at me inquisitively.

“When you told me your cousin Shizzalot was doing it with her own brother, Mad Max. Is that true ?” I look at her with an air of denial.

“Look, what more do you want me to say on the subject ?” Dorothy sounds defensive.

“Well how did it go ? Were the two of you experimenting together and then her brother Mad Max would ask if he could join in ?” I want to know, the question is just burning my mind.

“Ah no, actually it was the other way round. Since we were little, my cousin Mad Max has had this huge crush on me. We used to play doctors a lot together, and we also discovered a lot about sexuality. Shizzalot would feel left out and would each time demand to join in too.” Dorothy confesses.

“Mad Max had a crush on you ? How strange is that, you’re his cousin!” I exclaim.

“I know,” Dorothy sighs. “And it didn’t seem to go away. When I was explaining about my burn-out at my mother’s 60th birthday party, he openly asked me if we could finally have sex. That we’d never done it and that I knew we would have to finally. I declined politely, of course.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I exclaim again. “And how old were you then ?”

“I was 35 at the time of my burn-out.” Dorothy dives into her memories.

“He still fancied you at the age of 35 ? Come on Dorothy, that’s so wrong.” I am trying desperately to make this point clear to her.

“Really ? Well what about in the Wolf of Wall Street. Donnie Azoff had married his cousin and had children with her ?” Dorothy tries to justify.

“Donnie Azoff was continuously high on drugs.” I remark.

“Yeah, well so is Mad Max.” Dorothy is still justifying bad behaviour. So typical.

“My point exactly darling. You know, the more I hear about the mixed up tangle of family stories you have to tell, the more I do wonder about your mom and your brother Bobby. They still live together, right ? And how old is Bobby now ?” I’m reaching a point in the conversation where “the hand” is going to have to indicate that this is too much. That there are things I just don’t want to know.

“He’s 35.” Dorothy sighs. “Let’s not go there, Fiona. It’s such a dreary place when discussing my family. Can we do something fun ?”

Sounds like a plan to me. Think I’ll call up some of our girlfriends. See what they’re up to and if they are in for some girlie time.

 

What do you think ? Do you agree there are things you don’t know that you don’t know, and which you probably don’t want to know ? Leave your remarks in the comments below.

* Disclaimer : Any resemblance between the fictional characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle by chance more than by choice.

 

 

 

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