Dr Google

“You know how you always complained about your ex-husband being totally disinterested in sex ?” Dorothy starts out cautiously.

“Dorothy, he’s latently gay. Only his Italian upbringing doesn’t allow for him to come out of the closet. It’s a pity and such a shame for him to live this half-life.” I remind her calmly.

“How can you be so sure he’s gay ?” Dorothy doubts my assessment.

“I can’t of course, but which straight guy would actually find it ‘difficult’ to sleep with a woman ? Huh, really ?” I point out to her. “Besides, I have plenty of experience with gay boyfriends to be able to spot one.”

“You do ?” Dorothy sounds amazed.

“Yes of course, darling. Don’t you listen to my stories ?” I must admit I’m a little offended to be repeating this story again. “My first boyfriend was so gay that he transformed himself into a woman. He believes he’s a transgender, but he’s not. It’s his macho upbringing. It isn’t acceptable to be a man who sleeps with other men. Therefore, he has to be a woman, a hetero woman who just wants to have sex with hetero men. But that’s not the case. I’ve been out with him/ her since the transformation. The only men who look at him/ her are clearly and definitely gay. I find it a pity that people would have to go to such extremes to cut into their own flesh in order to be able to live out their sexual preferences. Another poor soul who can’t come out of the closet.”

“In your opinion, of course.” Dorothy wisely adds.

“Certainly darling, this is all just my own observation and analysis.” I am wise to add to above statement. “And when I was eighteen, I had an affair at university with the son of my maths teacher. It turned out later that he was very gay.”

“How does that make you feel ?” Dorothy asks me.

“Confused about the first two. My uni boyfriend later confessed to me that I was the only girl he ever wanted to have sex with, and with whom it actually worked rather well. What do I make of it ? Maybe I’m a girl that has a certain appeal to gay guys ? Or maybe it’s a primal instinct to want to continue the species no matter what our sexual orientation is.” I ponder.

“You’re not alone, you know. I saw this short movie about Google search data. You know all about online search, don’t you Fiona ?” Dorothy starts again.

“Yes, I’m specialised in search engine marketing.” I’m proud to announce.

“The data revealed that the most sought after question is this : ‘my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me’.” Dorothy sounds dubious now.

“Now that’s annoying, isn’t it. Against all odds women are demanding more sex and left wanting.” These kind of things frustrate me. “There are two things here. Women need to learn to ask for it more clearly, or manipulate without blackmailing. Maybe her man is depressed and needs help. Maybe he’s seeing someone else. Maybe he’s gay. So secondly, if your needs are not being met as a woman, then it’s time to evaluate and maybe move on. When couples start talking about date night, it’s too late anyway.”

“Yes, and I read another article by a very famous sex therapist. I’m just going to read out one paragraph here.” Dorothy continues.

Men are under pressure in life, and in the bedroom, to be untiring, masterful and dominant. It’s assumed men are always up for sex and women’s interest is much less, and subjective. It’s time we stop this oversimplification of men. — Esther Perel

“I almost agree.” I am still strongly reacting to this subject. It hits a nerve, you might understand. 17 years of lousy sex is enough to get any person cranky. “I think that good old Esther should rephrase a few things here. Men and women are equally interested in sex. It is deeply wired in our programming. We are here on this earth with the purpose of continuing the species. Therefore sex is important to both genders, else there would be no more humans wandering this planet if it weren’t so.”

“True.” Dorothy chimes in. “I don’t see her statement fitting reality at all. I know it’s the main assumption and what is widely spread in the media and textbooks. Yet when I talk to all my girlfriends, they all very much want sex and lots of it.”

“So importantly, I believe her last sentence should be rephrased to ‘It’s time we stop this oversimplification’.” I continue.

“How is your sexlife, sweetie darling ?” Dorothy asks with a sirupy voice.

“It is deliciously perfect.” I ooze back at her. “My man is up for anything, any time of the day, any place we are, anything I ask for.”

“Really ?” Dorothy looks at me amazed.

“Yup, except for spanking maybe.” I start musing. “He’s not that much into the pain game. But then neither am I.”

“Okay, so just plain vanilla sex then. Is that enough for you ?” Dorothy presses her questions.

“It sure is. I’m happy and I don’t hear my man complaining either. He’s fantastic. My pregnancy didn’t change anything for his appetite either. He loved me all the same for who I am, and showed his desire just as much. We just had to be careful in terms of finding suitable positions.” I’m hoping that if I offer too much information, Dorothy will back off this subject.

“Isn’t that amazing though darling, how you went from your sexless marriage to this wonderful Eros, your own god of love and lust ?” Dorothy beams back at me.

“Amazing, yes. He’s everything I put on my list.” I point out to her.

“You had a list ?” Dorothy sounds incredulous again.

“I sure did. I made sure to list everything my dream man should be and which qualities I wanted him to have. He fits the bill perfectly.” I like to show Dorothy how important it is to be the mastermind of your own life plan.

“You’re so amazing, being in control of your life and thoughts. A true talent of organisation.” Dorothy condones me. “You know we were talking the other day about talking to our kids about sex ? I’ve seen this YouTube film. It’s half funny, and half shocking.”

Dorothy had pushed the ipad under my nose and I wave it away.

“Yes it’s funny. And again, context is important. I find it important that my kids can use all kinds of language at home, as long as it is in pleasant conversation. By way of joke or just normal talking. However, I will not stand for any name calling. And I want them to know that they can use those words, but that some are not okay when we have visitors, or when they are at school. It’s teaching them to distinguish where and when, and to exhibit acceptable behaviour.” I am preaching for my own school here.

“Really, this film leaves me speechless. But maybe a good tag line for in one of my naughty stories.” Dorothy ends this conversation with a mischievous grin.


What do you think ? How many women out there are really not being served ? Let me know in the comments below.

* Disclaimer : Any resemblance between the fictional characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle by chance more than by choice.



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