It’s Monday evening when I receive a call from Dorothy. I haven’t seen her in quite some time and must admit I have been worried about her. Worried, and to be honest also lonely. Motherhood has these quirky moments where we adore our littles but it also leaves us feeling isolated. Which is why your support network is so important.
“Darling, I have a nosey alert,” Dorothy starts off. “I just bumped into Xavier here at work. He’s giving trainings or something of the sort.”
I pause for a silent moment. Dorothy broke up with Xavier a year or two ago now. And I’m still feeling a little hurt that she hasn’t mentioned how much she misses me.
“How are you?” Dorothy must sense my irritation because she interjects some polite conversation. “Did you have a nice weekend?”
“I am fine,” I answer gingerly. “Yes weekend was fine and yours? Give Xavier my regards.”
“Nice weekend too,” Dorothy plays along. “Been thinking a lot about our conversations lately.”
Ah so she does remember I exist then. “Really? Good thoughts I hope,” I continue.
“Yes pretty happy weekend,” Dorothy goes on. “How are things your end?”
“I think I love Wim,” I blurt out. I refuse to make this conversation all about Dorothy and her many disappointments in love. “But also love my freedom. Hated being married to David.”
“Huh?” I sound astonished. “You’re really going in for a threesome? I thought that was just philosophical talk?”
“I’m a very scared person and tend to exaggerate everything too black or too white.” Dorothy throws in as a reply. “So I need coaching to stop being a chicken.”
“And a threesome is going to help you get over your innate fears of commitment and intimacy?” I am slightly mocking her, but not too much. Don’t want to hurt any feelings.
“I need guts. Excuse the pun, hope your Wim can’t hear us.” Dorothy goes on. “Like the lion in the Wizard of Oz.”
“OK, well so far these are good enough thoughts,” I have learned by now that it is often more beneficial to go along with Dorothy’s wacko ideas for a moment, before bringing her back into reality. “And yes you do.”
“And you need to stop lying to yourself and stop hedging your bets.” Dorothy snaps back. “Also had a dream about the angels again. So creepy!” Dorothy suddenly changes the subject.
I sigh. Sometimes it’s difficult to have a coherent conversation with her. “I am not familiar with your angel dream.”
“You dont remember me telling you about my angel dream six years ago?” Dorothy almost sounds hurt that I can’t remember. “I was playing around on graves, and suddenly I found myself surrounded by all these children. They were not my children but dark angel children who wouldn’t let me go. And I woke up screaming: NANNY! NANNY! MOMMY! MOMMY! MARC! MARC!”
Silence as I ponder the possible meanings of her dream. I just love Jungian dream analysis. Being a bad listener, I misuse the pause to jump back to the previous subject. “Like what? Give me an example.”
Dorothy picks up the thread of our previous subject: “Well either you are or you are not. Trying to be both is hedging your bets.”
“I am what?” I spit out. “Being both what?”
“Good and naughty,” Dorothy answer coolly.
“Being both Suzi and Joti at the same time, you mean like that?” I want to know, and then I add: ”I’m good.”
“If you like,” Dorothy sigh again. “Except I don’t know what you mean.”
“Suzi sees things very negative, more negative than it really is. Jo sees things over positive, better than it really is.” I pipe up.
“Ah yes like that.” Dorothy concedes.
“I’m good,” I state adamantly. “Not doing naughties.”
“Words like ‘I think’ or ‘I will try it’ or ‘I want’ don’t have much meaning other than to start a decision.” Dorothy explains in turn. “Either you are in love or you are not. Trying to be in love and be free to do what you want will only rush the situation into confusion and you risk losing your soul.”
I guess we are all familiar with waking up to the fact that we are not living our lives in accordance to what we had hoped and dreamed. Planning out your life step by step doesn’t work. We need to be able to adapt to each change and curveball that life throws our way. Yet at the same time it is sensible to set goals for yourself and to hold on to your desires as a compass indicating the general direction of your life pursuits.
We experience conflict arrising within ourselves when we lie. The worst part is lying to yourself. Not wanting to see reality for what it truly is. There is value in calling a cat “a cat”. Giving things their proper name has healing powers in it. Put whatever situation you are facing in front of you and observe it to your best ability. Once you have discerned what it is exactly that is going on, you can give it a name and then deal with it for what it truly is.
Anyway, don’t create extra problems for yourself by worrying too much.
What do you think? Is it possible to live a fulfilling and meaningful life when you are both good and naughty at the same time? Let me know in the comments below.