After a very long telephone conversation and talking like a mad hatter, Dorothy decides to come over for a cup of tea. We’re Tuesday evening, and into some soul searching girl talk. Women share their innermost doubts and feelings with those they feel most comfortable around.
“I think I’m in love with Wim,” I start out cautiously whilst sipping my hot cuppa. “But at times I also think Wim finds me convenient. Which is a strange thing to think when I am very obviously not a convenient solution at all.”
“Convenient in which way?” Dorothy asks.
“Well I just go along with it all, don’t I,” I’m pointing out the obvious. “I’m always here waiting for him, one week on, one week off. Whenever it suits him, he comes. It’s not about me or what I would want.”
“That doesn’t sound very positive,” Dorothy murmers. “What about the not so convenient aspects?”
“Well obviously, I’ve had a baby with a different man. I’m complex and complaining and need lots of attention and reassuring,” again pointing out the obvious. “If it were purely about convenience and sex, then he could get that elsewhere and much cheaper. There are 100.000 Fiona’s out there, you know. I’m not unique.”
“After all this time you still don’t know?” Dorothy retorts a little reproachful. “How long have you guys been together now and just winging it?”
“Five years now,” I answer dreamily. “Five years and a bit.”
“So you’re telling me five and a half years, and still no commitment? Still not living together, not even a plan considered, and still no ring on your finger.” Dorothy spits out. “How on earth do you convince yourself that this is love and that you are not convenient?”
“We also have to face the practicalities of life and what works best for the kids,” I tell her defensively.
“No. Tell me this,” Dorothy is on her high horse now. “Was it ever considered that you move into Wim’s loft? All of you just move in together there? Was it even considered?”
“Well no…” I trail off. “His loft would be too small for all my kids and all his kids together.”
“But it wasn’t even talked about!” Dorothy half shouts. “And that’s where the inner conflict lies hidden.”
“Well tell me about your love life then,” I am pouting now. “If you know it all so better.”
“In my love life, I think that Mr Threesome just wants sex. And all the rest is rubbish I’m creating around it.”
“Well he is the third wheel so what did you expect?” I ask her. “Surely you’re not expecting him to put his life on hold while you figure things out with number 2.”
“But we’ve known each other for such a long time. More than 10 years now…” Dorothy trails off.
“I can’t speak for him as I don’t know his version of his truth,” I tell Dorothy softly. “Talking about love, my own mother doesn’t love me. End of that story.”
“OK, if you say so,” Dorothy looks at me tenderly. “Do you love her?”
“Of course I do, she’s my mother,” I reply with a bit too much zest in my gestures. “But she’s narcissistic and doesn’t know what love is. It’s always all about her. She has no notion of selfless unconditional love for her children. Her children are mere extensions of herself to serve her. As I don’t serve her, she has rejected me.”
“Not so strange then that you go on to marry a narcissistic husband,” Dorothy remarks.
“Look this is hard. I think I do know I do love Wim,” I’m starting to sound defensive despite doing my best to keep myself in check. “It’s just very scary. Don’t push me.”
“I think you are wrong about that. But it is your truth,” Dorothy gives me a very long, very intent look. Then muses on: “Mr Threesome has nothing to do with Eric.”
We look at each other and start giggling about our love life exchange of information.
“Darling, I am not pushing you anywhere,” Dorothy gives me a big smile. “My task is to make you think.”
“Marta has nothing to do with Eric,” I continue the banter just a little bit more. “She just wanted me around for the money and for possible business contacts. When that didn’t materialize she dumped me.”
“Why are we talking about Eric?” Dorothy suddenly interrupts. “No one mentioned Eric.”
“Eric is always lurking in my mind,” I admit sullenly. “And on yours. You brought him up.”
“I did?” Dorothy looks puzzled for a moment.
“Why do you say I’m wrong about being in love with Wim?” I’m feeling very hurt at this point. “I don’t get it.”
“Oh my, is that the time?” Dorothy suddenly looks at her watch and jumps up. “No. I have go. I will pick this up after lunch tomorrow.”
“Bon appetit,” I call after her as she dashes out of my kitchen. I just hate it when she starts a subject and then leaves me to think too much about it.
Life is full of decision. And the choices we make are the factors which determine our present and our future. Constantly confronted with the test of our ability to make good decisions. How do you do that?
There is so much pressure on us daily to decide, to chose and then live with the consequences. If you make no decision, don’t be fooled. Somebody else will make the decision for you and the outcome might not be what you had wished for. So know what you want, say it, own it, and then go for it.
When you have found your life purpose and when you are fully living your dharma, you will find yourself centered in your deepest truth. This means that from this state of being, the decisions you take are all lined up to serve you first. You know when you have made the right decision for you as you will feel a huge vibrant serving of pleasure and meaning.
But it is certainly not for everyone. Run, run, run far away if you are still wallowing in the depts of indecision.
What do you think? What is your definition of love? Let me know in the comments below.