Those of you who know me really well, also know I can have spells of overthinking and taking a paranoid turn. I have learnt to recognize my paranoia for what it is, and also how to deal with it when it happens. However, what I really need to learn is to stop being chicken scared. Lead a completely balanced life so that the paranoia also completely disappears.
Anyways, I am not there yet, so thus far my favourite tactic in dealing with my overactive mind is to call Dorothy, even at impossible hours in the night.
“Are you still up?” I whisper down the phone. Obviously Dorothy is awake as she answered the phone after only 2 rings.
“Yes, I am still awake.” Dorothy’s voice travels soothingly down the phone and into my ear.
“Did you have fun in Brussels?” I start out the small talk.
“Yes I did. How was yoga?” Dorothy follows suit.
“Refreshing,” I breathe more freely now. “Really love yoga. It calms my mind. I was wondering about 2 things.”
“That’s good,” I have Dorothy’s full attention. “Tell me.”
“And you’re always brutally honest,” I add on as I am expecting a brutally honest answer. “How paranoid am I?”
“Sometimes,” Dorothy replies hesitantly. “Very.”
“And what did you think about the Marta saga?” This has been playing on my mind for quite some time, but I got caught up with holidays and kids stuff, that I never had a chance to fully discuss this with Dorothy, let alone get my head around what had happened.
“I am not sure, to be serious.” Was Dorothy’s serious reply. Now this peaked me. It means Dorothy is also picking up something fishy.
“You said from the start she had a hidden agenda,” I remind Dorothy of how she had warned me last spring about Marta. “Then she cut me off from Facebook.”
“I don’t know the Marta story,” Dorothy reminds me.
“And she posted that Facebook post with double speech,” I go on recounting what happened in a very incomprehensible way.
“Do you want to hear the Marta story or is it too boring?” I ask her a little annoyed she’s bringing up her love life in this serious moment.
“Tell me but tell of it including your contribution,” Dorothy encourages me. I can tell that there are questions in her head too. And a few red flags she wants to straighten out.
“Oh yes because it always takes 2 to tango,” I remind myself.
“Yes,” Dorothy confirms.
“Hmmm well I met up with Marta after I had had Willem. She invited me to the Pain Quotidien in Brussels during the summer of 2016.” I start out where I think the story is relevant. “Then somewhere in March she asked me for lunch again, same place. And then she asked again and it started to become a weekly habit to meet up for lunch, to discuss business and share ideas.”
“What type of business and ideas?” Dorothy interrupts me.
“Whatever we were working on at the time. But looking back, I was the one doing most of the talking and spilling the beans,” I reflect.
“What were you working on?” Dorothy presses.
“I talked about my blogging, personal and professional. About ideas and values, all that kind of stuff. About women in business. You know what a feminist I am.” I tell her as I am racking my brains to remember all the details again. “New clients, the Google stuff, teaching, interviews, e-books, women in business, yoga, meditation, Deepak Chopra, erotic stories…”
“I see,” Dorothy confirms she’s understood how open I have been.
“Hmmm… Can’t quite remember to be honest. But I was on a happy wave.” I conclude.
“Ok,” Dorothy has gotten the gist of where I was at that time.
“I wasn’t going to do another photoshoot with her because of my superstition,” I go on. “At one point she invited herself over on a Saturday to my place to see me, the house and the kids. I read her tarot cards in the garden.”
“What did you learn?” Dorothy asks me. “Did you have a sexual experience with her?”
“I learned that she is hard to read and that she has a dark past.” I reply to her first question. And then in reply to her second question, I let out a deep resounding: “Nooooooo! Oh my, nooooo! I’m not into girls. Yuk!”
“I am surprised she didn’t hit on you as she liked to touch you a lot.” Dorothy throws in the first red flag.
“You noticed that did you?” I finally give voice to one of the things which had struck me and my subconscious as being totally off.
“Yes,” Dorothy confirms. And to be honest, it was pretty obvious in all the pictures and videos I had been given to post and share.
Anger is essential to our development, and even our ability to love. Anger is like a fuel that propels you through different life stages. On the other hand, anger is a way of masking vulnerability, and while it’s not wrong to feel angry, we often impulsively express it in dysfunctional ways that serve no one. Working with anger internally can help you channel the emotion more productively.
What do you think? Which patterns do you observe in your life? Share your thoughts with me in the comments below.
* Disclaimer : Any resemblance between the fictional characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle by chance more than by choice.