“Tell me.” The Wizard asks.
“What?” I ask him as I feel tears welling up once again.
“What’s on your mind.” He repeats gently.
“Nothing.” I lie. “I’m working on getting new clients and trying to relax and be a good mom. I want to be comfortable and successful again. Nothing else on my mind. I don’t think.”
“Ok. What’s in Dorothy’s mind?” The Wizard nods at Dorothy, who is sitting there looking out of this world, at least with her thoughts.
“Nothing.” I say meekly as I look down at my hands. “Not sure I like Dorothy or if she’s a genuine friend. She’s not always nice to me and her advice is dubious and her business ideas seem like scams. How bad does that sound? I’m doubting my own imaginary friend.”
“I think you should teach Dorothy. Not the other way round.” The Wizard advises me as he gives me a friendly wink.
“Just shows how bad my negative self-talk is.” I go on complaining. “I should indeed. Wonder where the reversal came from? Dorothy is rubbish.”
“Tell Dot we do what we do because we get something out of it. What does she get from negative dialogue?” The Wizard goes on comforting me.
“She seems to enjoy it.” I say sarcastically. “Sabotage! Sneaky woman!” And then I look at the Wizard attentively. “This is hard… Who are you then?”
“What does Dot get out of living and holding onto the past?” The Wizard continues in a voice which I find extremely soothing. “Yes I saw. I am Doc Oz.”
“It helps her make sense of the present.” I replay recent events in my mind. “A continuum.”
“No she needs to learn that the present is where she must be and decide how she wants it to affect her future. Change is hard and others don’t want her to change. So they will do what ever it takes to keep her in the past. But Doc Oz wants her to move into her present and plan her future by getting out of the past.” The Wizard says wisely. “So Doc Oz and Dorothy fight a lot.”
“Okay Dorothy still wants to go home to those horrible people who want her to be the scapegoat, the black sheep. So every now and again she has to sabotage herself and make sure the story reaches home. Look what a mess she’s got herself into now.” I am starting so see many patterns emerging, and I understand the how and the why. The only difficulty is going to be helping Dorothy move past it.
“The only thing Dorothy has to lose by moving into the present is her children and her life. Everything else is replace-able.” The Wizard looks at me intently now, to make sure that I understand the gravity of the situation.
“And what she really should do is just take off her shoes and she will be alright.” I look down at Dorothy’s stiletto heels which pinch my toes just by looking at them. “Dorothy doesn’t care much for her life. You should know that. It’s the kids that keep her going. And ladybird talks.”
“That’s a sad angle. She should care. She only has one shot at it.” The Wizard says and throws another compassionate and affectionate look at Dorothy.
“Sorry. It is what it is as you always say.” I say as I have given up. “It’s not much fun. You can convince yourself it is, life is an adventure etc. But sooner or later reality catches up.”
“Does she not understand the system will keep her in the past using fear of loss to control her? Yet the chains are made out of wet toilet paper.” The Wizard is adamant to make progress in a case that seems long lost to me.
“Hahaha!” I sneer with clear sarcasm. All those wonderful words and never a hint of what should really be done.
“You can do whatever you want within reason. Building takes time. Patience is needed. Planning a life plan is needed. Reachable or doable goals are required.” The Wizard’s face is kind and patient.
“Yes right.” I say as I mentally close off to all suggestions.
“Showing-off goals are empty.” The Wizard looks around my living room.
“Look it’s admirable that you keep trying with me but let’s face it. I’m a lost cause.” I tell him with irritation. I can’t be fixed. I won’t be. “Yes yes, showing off, of course.”
“No you are not lost. I know where to find you.” The Wizard says. And he has a point, for there he is on Christmas day sitting nicely in the comfort of my living room.
“I want things and I can’t have them.” I point out and I feel the sting.
“You can. You just need to know instant gratification is short term. You need to build you knowledge base and grow.” The Wizard advises.
“I went from a sexless bullying marriage into a half-commited half-free relationship. Different guy, different problem. But same bottom line: I’m still living a half life.” I pauze for a moment to wipe away a few tears that seem to have lost their way. “I went from a horrible family over friends who use me to no friends at all. Bottom line the same: I am lonely.”
“Yes indeed. They get the convenience and you get to be lonely.” The Wizard confirms he has seen my struggle and understands my pain.
“It’s theory and you know it!” I let my frustration show. “I’ s a mirage. All you tell me doesn’t exist. I don’t know how others do it.”
“No it’s work, effort and curiosity.” The Wizard sets the record straight.
“Yes yes.” I mutter, and feel more anger and frustration at words and sentences I can’t make work in my life. “Well I’ll just keep doing this: single mum 3 kids travel yoga. That’s what I’m good at and what makes me happy. Everything else is fake.”
“Yes three kids are wonderful but make it difficult to find a full-time relationship. But it is not impossible.” The Wizard adjusts my statements here and there.
“It is.” I truly believe it is all impossible fairytale stuff.
“No you need to aim higher.” The Wizard smiles.
“You know what? I’m not going to aim at all. Men are a disappointment and selfish. Sex is overrated.” I give the Wizard a defying look “I’ll be just fine with my children.”
“Looking for easy to manipulate men is not the answer. Learning to listen even when you are not interested is a very good skill to acquire.” It hasn’t gone unnoticed to the Wizard that I mentally close myself off when I can’t handle the situation anymore.
“And I’ll be alone by 50.” I snap again. “So bloody what?”
“Your pussy will fill up with salt and make you bitter.” The Wizard laughs at his own joke.
“And who’s problem is that?” I look at him still seething with anger and frustration.
“That’s so what. But you could have had Marc yet you gave up a full time partner for Wim. Your choice. You reap what you sow.” The Wizard toyed with a glass ball for a few seconds and then let it disappear back into this jacket again.
“It’s not your problem.” I repeat as I don’t understand why this total stranger cares so much.
“Its yours.” The Wizard replies sadly.
“Marc wasn’t interested.” I give my version of my truth. “Come on. He ran fast and far. Stop trying to fix me.”
“Yes he was until you lied to him and rejected him in the worst possible way you could.” The Wizard still has an extremely sad look on his face, and I would almost feel sorry for him, but I can’t because it annoys me that he is sad for me.
“Nobody wants me.” I cry. “So just leave me here nicely on the shelf. Yes like the elf on the shelf.”
“I guess so if you believe that. Question is are you want-able material?” The Wizard throws some philosophical questions my way.
“Well I’m sorry about Marc. But he’s a bastard. Never looked once at his own beautiful baby. He can bugger off!” I shout vehemently. “I’m not wantable. There. End of story. Nobody wants me. So what?”
“Oooh you really are down.” The Wizard now pulls a box of dark chocolates out of the other pocket and puts it down right in front of me.
“One day I’ll be an antique.” I continue pitying myself whilst I pop a dark chocolate baton in my mouth. “I am hurting a lot. Yes. So?”
“Yes you will be and all covered in salt.” The Wizard teases me as he seems content to see me eating the chocolates.
“That’s my problem and I’m not too bothered. I’ve given up.” I say with a steady demeanour now. These chocolates are delicious. I think I’ll just have one more. It’s Christmas after all.
“It’s just an adjustment in how you think about things and what type of actions you take.” The Wizard makes it all sound so easy.
“Yes yes of course.” I say absent mindedly. “I always make the wrong choice. Always pull the shortest straw. Nothing new.”
“Well I am not so sure about that.” The Wizard winks at me again.
“Really?” I raise an eyebrow as I munch away at the delicious chocolate. “The proof. I have a nice life.”
“Yes I think you sabotage yourself.” The Wizard points out.
“I love my life.” I smile clearly enjoying my chocolate. “Yes I do. Can’t help it though. The sabotaging. Don’t know I do it till it’s too late.”
“I think you react to soon without any thought or patience.” The Wizard shares with me.
“Yes of course.” Do you think the Wizard will find me greedy if I have one more piece of chocolate?
“Try a different approach and wait twenty seconds before you reply. First think if what you want to snap back will really give you your desired result.” The Wizard has such a kind voice. I could listen to him for hours on end.
“Of course.” I don’t want him to know I really enjoy listening to him. Or maybe it’s the chocolate I prefer. Not sure. “I don’t believe in my desired outcome. I’ll never have a fulfilling close intimate relationship where I live together with my partner in my dream house playing happy families with my children. And I will never have a happy family life.”
“Your choice.” The Wizard replies weakly.
“What I do have is three beautiful children and my dream house where we can play crazy in our own little family.” My face always lights up when I talk about my little darlings. “It’s not a choice. It’s realistic. It is what it is. And I am making the most of what is.”
“Very good.” The Wizard nods at me encouragingly. “It needs to work for you and drive you to success.”
“The only thing you do is hurt me till I cry. You hold up mirages of things I will never have. I am not running after the carrot anymore. I am working on finding new clients” I repeat for the so manieth time.
“I see.” Said the Wizard, And he reminds me of how my grandmother used to say that. “I see said the blind man.”
“Nobody will give it to me. It is all hard work just me by myself.” I tell him.
“Yes it is.” The Wizard confirms.
“Right.” I say with visible disappointment. I was kind of hoping the Wizard would magic me a happy ever after.
“I don’t mean to hurt you. Perhaps I see more in you then you do. I will stop encouraging you to look deeper into your soul.” The Wizard says pensively.
“Yes please give up on me. I am hopeless.” I tell him. But I am dreading him getting up and leaving me to my own devices.
“No I won’t give up just yet.” The Wizard smiles as he offers me the last chocolate.
“Poop.” I lie for I am relieved and grateful he will stick around a little longer.
“We will try a different tact.” The Wizard tells me mysteriously.
“Yeay!” I cheer for joy. I am happy there will be more magic and adventures to come. I am happy and grateful that I am not alone on my journey. And I love listening to the softness of his voice.
“Ok you have a nice Christmas day. Work hard and don’t worry too much. It will all be OK.” Those are the true magic words any woman needs to hear, and the Wizard has understood that all too well.
“You too! I will keep my fingers crossed that Dorothy receives her documents soon.” I smile as I get up to let my guests out.
* Disclaimer : Any resemblance between the fictional characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle by chance more than by choice.