Unfortunately, I haven’t seen the last of my panic attacks yet. Late the previous evening I spent a few hours pouring over Excel sheet containing an overview of my accounting since I set up business back in 2009. The numbers and calculations got my head spinning and my heart pounding. So when the Wizard joins me the next morning on my patio for my morning deep breathing, he finds me in a bemuddled state.
“Good morning,” I say to him, tears stinging my bewildered eyes. “I did the maths. My income has fallen to same level as before my divorce. Only now I have more costs. So I might… I might want to keep the Star and get an aupair to take over from her. And even if I grow my business with peanuts there is a long way to go. I can’t afford to keep the Star and I can’t afford an aupair. And I won’t manage without her. No matter what you say. It’s as if I never met you. As if I have never been successful. It’s all gone. Started losing clients the moment I got pregnant.”
“Good morning,” the Wizard twirls around gayly on his pink fluffy cloud, smiling down bashfully at me. “I assume you are having an anxiety attack as I can’t think why you are telling me this. I can’t solve your problems nor change your situation. Only you can. Self punishment for actions from the past is pointless. You have a choice to make. Either you get serious and find clients or you down size your life to fit your income. It’s your choice and I suggest you make it soon before life does it for you.”
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out as I no longer can hold back my tears. “You always help me think. The Star being pregnant is a god sent answer to my financial situation. It is time I saw that and use it. I wanted to keep her but I can’t. I am panicking.”
“It’s ok,” the Wizard smiles at me with a soothing voice. “Get serious about what you are doing. You have the strength and courage. Fight for what you need to live and protect your kids. Make calls. Hate it or be afraid of it be dammed. Make calls.”
“Yes but make calls to who?” I look at him bewildered “And getting rid of the Star is a big thing.”
“The days of easy living have passed,” the Wizard tells me sternly. “You need a plan B. Make one and do it with everything you have or move to a small flat and be content with BNP.”
“You are right,” I say resolutely trying to recollect my composure. “I need to make changes. Change my home-working days. Get up early. Do it all myself.”
“Yes get on with it,” the Wizard smiles at me as if it’s all just a piece of cake and a matter of just doing it.
“Maybe by the time the Star comes back things will be good again,” I comfort myself out loud. “Winning new clients, big ones, is going to be hard. They used to just come to me. Now not so.”
“Yes I guess it will as the economy will pick up this year,” the Wizard predicts too wise for his image. “Consider training Google stuff.”
“Okay I am leaving for work now,” I say as I hop to my feet determined to make good things happen. “Thanks for the heads up. What is ‘broodjeszaak’ in Cuba?”
“See you later,” the Wizard waves after me half ignoring me.
Later on in the car on my way to Brussels, I continue talking to myself, hoping the Wizard will make another swift entry.
“Do you mind if I continue my thoughts?” I talk into thin air. “It’s just that I am thinking back to where it all started going wrong. When my family publicly shunned me. And I went into a state of deep shame and despair. And I got myself pregnant, and then Wim’s friends and family shunned me, and deeper shame ensued. And Wim doesn’t believe in me like he used to, and I don’t believe in myself either… I am just sabotaging myself continuously and I have very much lost my mojo. Ok so the cars have to go too. I will have to get a cheaper one for myself. Some good news though. The Star’s re-movement procedure has been accepted. How do you say hello in Cuba?”
But to now avail. The Wizard didn’t show up till late that evening as I am getting ready for bed.
“Buenos dias if it’s morning,” the Wizard chimes in my ear.
“Well buenos dias to you then,” I smile doing my best to pick up the pieces. “Just finished a tarot reading and a meditation. I think I am pretty good at this. Pity it won’t make me rich.”
“It’s buenas noches in the evening,” the Wizard corrects me. “No it won’t but I could make you a nice living.”
The Wizard disappears again with an air of feeling very pleased with himself. After all, I am finally facing my fears and dealing with my panic attacks in a constructive way. Next step will be stopping myself in my tracks. After all, there is very little we actually have control over. So why worry?
* Disclaimer : Any resemblance between the fictional characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle by chance more than by choice.