“Buenos dias,” I chime as I am happy to find the Wizard floating through my kitchen again. Haven’t seen him in a few days. “How are you? Back at work? So much going on my end.”
“Doing trials,” the Wizard answers as if that means something. “What mischief are you up to now?”
“Well there’s that Bitcoin challenge with the Shepherd,” I decide to answer in the same conspirational tone. “I am totally engrossed and find it fun. Yesterday I went to an event ‘women in business’ by this Ukranian woman. She reminds me of Mama Gena but with more Russian strictness about her. She advises us to stop wearing underwear to be more successful. Also met a nice lady there. Then I have a few hot leads I am working on. The Butterfly lady from New Zealand is still strange. Her husband is also in hospital for big operation now. My paranoia is questioning whether this is a coincidence? She has put me in contact with her successful daughter. What do I do now? All very strange. Wim is coming out of hospital today and he said he would pop round tomorrow lunchtime to see me. He is making noises about traveling a bit. And I actually like my new life, getting up early and arriving home early.”
“Sounds great,” is the very short answer the Wizard offers for my entire waffle of what I have been up to lately. I was expecting a different reaction. After all, I was having fun. And fun attracts good things, does it not?
“Do you think so?” I ask him looking for reassurance. “Those are facts right?”
“What’s the Bitcoin thing?” the Wizard picks out the parts he is most curious about. “Who’s the Shepherd? Contact the Butterfly lady’s daughter. The Ukrainian sounds like an idiot.”
“Look at the FB page for this site,” I tell him as I pull my laptop on my lap and Google the address ‘sheepforpresident.com‘.
While the Wizard peers over the psychedelic website of the Shepherd with me, my thoughts start to wander…
By now I have noticed that my panic attacks concerning money is a fear I carry of my parents as it was passed down to me and lives through me. How to handle this exactly remains a mystery. One I am not eager to face at it would mean dealing with many other mean mommy issues. I would therefor rather escape that part of my past and remain in the present.
When I really examine my fears about money, I notice that the fear I have is not based on my own experience. If I trace my fear back to its source, I find that one of my parents may have handed it down to me. My mother and stepfather both had an intense fear of lack of money, stemming from their own life experiences. That fear was not resolved by the time I came into the picture. I definitely inherited it. In my own adult life, I have no actual experience of lacking money, so being fearful doesn’t make sense. But it blocks me from doing certain things I want to do.
My parents were probably only trying to protect me, and most of the errors in judgment they made were made with the best intentions. Right now, I believe it is time to release this fear symbolically. I cannot resolve their fear for them, but I can decide to let go of it on my own behalf. My parents are both still alive though I rarely see them. Therefore, it is best to do this in a symbolic way, using visualization and ritual. One simple visualization involves inviting my parent to sit across from me in my heart space and sharing my desire to move on from this fear, letting them know that I will not carry it anymore. I am wondering which response I will get. Maybe they will be proud of me, grateful, and proud of my courage.
I have found that the more I do deep inner work with my fears, the better I am able to parent my children without burdening them with fears that don’t belong to them. Once you break your ties to the fears of the past, your children’s ties to those fears are greatly weakened, so it’s important to remember that it’s never too late.
* Disclaimer : Any resemblance between the fictional characters in this story and any persons, living or dead, is a miracle by chance more than by choice.