Are you having a breakdown?

“Hello,” I beam at Bakerman as I throw open my front door letting the sunshine flood my hallway. “Good morning. Happy boobs, happy babes. It was all ok of course. Maybe I am just pre-menopausal. I called in sick and will be homeworking a few days. There is too much going on for me to handle. Can’t wait for the au-pair to arrive. How are you? Did you wake up to the lovely sea air? Baking bread? What a life.”

“Yes I wake to cleaner air than Emelo Woods and baking begins at last on Thursday,” Bakerman hands me my fresh buns and steps inside at my inviting gesture. “50 pieces a day I hope. Glad your scare was nothing but a short craving. How’s Wim?”

“Wim is doing good. Two chemo sessions done. He’s tired for three days and a bit nauseous. The cold hurts his hands and stuff. But he’s a happy, strong, optimistic man. He’s doing so well,” I tell him as I bustle about my kitchen getting a kettle going to make tea and setting plates to eat the fresh buns. “I’m just a drama queen, right? Hate cats. Mine just did pipi and poopoo inside. The tourism prospect wants to meet me next week. And other candidates. To talk about my offer. All very well. Just dont know when I am going to work for BNP again, as I have those video trainings too…” I sigh as I pour boiling water in tea mugs and dip in some pure British pyramid shaped tea bags. “Wim’s blog is more successful than mine. I am jealous. In a funny way.”

“Use the jealousy as a positive motivation,” Bakerman answers as he watches me stir milk and sugar in the tea.

“Oh yes I am happy for him. Wim is spot on as usual. He has found his niche market. Wish I knew who I am as accurate as that,” I answer politely handing him a hot mug of brew. “What I don’t understand… You’re waking up every day next to Debbie, by the sea, with the prospect of baking bread and muffins… Yet you still don’t know if you want to stay there or come back to live in stinky old Belgium. Really?”

“Well it all depends on the success or failure of this business,” Bakerman answers enigmatically. “Belgium is not exciting but a back door only. Waking up with Debbie is wonderful. If I return she might follow me a few months later. But in my opinion EU and UK will be Muslim in ten years.”

“I know, Europe is over and done with, on a decline,” I throw him a conspirational look. “I don’t really want to stay in the EU, or not in Belgium anyway. Still not much options with kids. Besides Wim is talking about buying an apartment by the sea and that sounds like a little house on the prairie dream I would like!” I blow my tea and gaze off at nothing in particular all dreamy eyed. “Looks like I’m not going to meet this month’s target and that’s pooh. Debbie will follow you. Now that’s a nice thought. Where will you go? Question: are all men sexually deprived?”

“No not all men are sexually deprived,” Bakerman looks a little taken aback by my sudden twist in conversation. “Why?”

“My new client shared his Gmail login credentials so that I could create a Youtube channel,” I confide in him. “Well the films on Youtube he watches are… well… they are horrible. I should tell him, shouldn’t I? And I can up my price now.”

“Why not?” Bakerman starts asking all the right questions. “Are you going to sleep with him? Why is he getting so personal so quick?”

“Noooo,” I exhale in disgust. “He just doesn’t know how to grant access or so he says. How shall I put it?”

“Aaah,” Bakerman exclaims in clear relief. “Ok. Raise your price.”

“Dear customer, please be careful who you share your login credentials with, or don’t watch adult content with a professional account. You may be sharing more than you would like,” I think my email out loud. “Or does it need more nails?”

“That should do it,” Bakerman smiles shyly.

“Horrible man,” I nod again.

“Yes,” Bakerman laughs teasing me now. “He should try working instead.”

“So not all men are like that?” I chuckle with a raised eyebrow.

“What do you think?” Bakerman throws the question back at me.

“I’m not sure,” I start out hesitantly. “I think most men have very explicit thoughts. I think some are refined enough to keep it to themselves.”

“So do women,” Bakerman corrects me.

“Many men are porks,” I tell him as I curl my nose. “Noooooo. And then there are the dark people. Women don’t. We are soft creatures with emotional fantasies.”

“You would be surprised at what women think about,” Bakerman holds my gaze as he sips his hot tea. “They just lie better.”

“Noooo,” I boom again adamantly. “Really not. They should stop it.”

“Written porn is bigger than video porn and read by women mostly,” Bakerman tells me wisely.

“I know… I really try to stay away. It messes up your mind,” I remember the last word porn I read all too vividly. “I’d rather think of fluffy things. Once you read that horrible stuff it gets stuck.”

“Yes it can be an addiction,” Bakerman confirms eyeing me with growing suspicion and a hint of amusement.

“Read a newspaper article I shouldn’t have some weeks ago and still trying to forget,” I confide in him again. “Hear horrible things on the radio. I know about the addiction but it all comes from men.”

“Focus in work and play,” Bakerman offers the perfect cure. “The rest is irrelevant.”

“Men think up these things,” I wave my finger at him. “It is.”

“Really?” Bakerman questions me.

“I think so,” I nod sipping my tea feeling very prim and righteous.

“Ok,” Bakerman gives in for now.

Some years ago I had the experience of holding back my emotions and not having my needs met for such a long period of time that I finally had a breakdown. The flood of feelings through my body and mind totally consumed me and I couldn’t function anymore. This outburst took me by surprise. I know exactly what triggered me, but I never expected such an overpowering emotional response. It was devastating because those feelings had been accumulating over a long period of time. The event that inspired the release was a catalyst for much needed change.

Take time regularly to assess how you are feeling and if you are living the life you were intended to. Take to a trusted friend. Journal your thoughts. Meditate. Making room in your life for yourself will keep you healthy, balanced and successful.



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