I have retreated into my doom and gloom for weeks. I lie awake at night and worry about work, family, friends, my kids… Not coming out of my shell to interact with the outside world. Honestly, in those gloomy days I obsess about everything. I need a nudge and a shove sometimes to get back into things. When all of these thoughts and emotions are going on inside I rarely express any of them. It takes time to heal. There is so much clutter in my head that I can’t focus or slow down to express myself accurately. The only way out I know is by being outrageously incorrect. Of course I want to interact differently. I just don’t know how…
“The camera man is yummy,” I have decided to throw in my best and worst tactics to get a response from Bakerman as he silently hands me my delivery this morning. “He’s also very young. But deliciously attractive. Too bad it’s work related and I’m already in a relationship. I can still fantasize though, right?”
“Really Fiona?” Bakerman looks at me with unhidden annoyance all over his features. “Feeling a little desperate are we?”
“Yes,” I smile back at him and lock his gaze defiantly.
“Get new batteries,” Bakerman snaps back standing tall and square on my front doorstep.
“I need to plug it into the wall,” I correct him without blinking. “No batteries. Sigh.”
“Don’t they make a vibrator you can warm up in a microwave?” Bakerman will not let me win this one and he is staring me down.
“Do they?” I mock. “What about the emotional fantasy?”
“I don’t know,” Bakerman continues the cold battle. “I don’t have a use for one.”
“A vibrator just doesn’t do it for me,” I tell him with my voice wavering a bit and I can tell that Bakerman is going to ease up on me now.
“Thats OK,” Bakerman susses me and immediately I feel the negative charge between us has been dispelled.
“It’s just a silly toy,” I shrug. “What’s wrong with feeling turned on?”
“Nothing so long as that’s where it stops for now,” Bakerman looks me over for the first time in weeks. “Having an affair is ok. But you hurt yourself and others in the long run.”
“Yes yes I’m just looking,” I reassure him but still feel annoyed that trust is still lacking in that area. “Mmmm. There are advantages of being a cougar. Hahaha.”
“There is?” Bakerman raises an eyebrow, and while he isn’t as upset with me as he had been, he’s still far from being pally with me.
“This is really not funny,” I make a point this means something to me at least. “The sex is probably amazing.”
“I guess Wim knows your desires and doesn’t seem to mind much,” Bakerman reminds me of my commitments. “So perhaps if you can keep it quiet…..”
“Yes I’ve already told everyone it’s hard to be stuck for an entire day in a small room with a very attractive young man,” I let him know I have been totally transparent with my environment on this difficult matter.
“Got to go,” Bakerman turns on his heels and blows me a kiss. “Enjoy your toy. Boy.”
“I will,” I smile after him glad to know we are still friends after all.
Later the same day I find myself in a mess as I have stumbled upon a picture of my baby on somebody else’s website. As we’re suddenly friends again, I decide to turn to call Bakerman to as for advice.
“Ohooh I think someone not very nice has stolen pictures from my twitter account,” I tell him in jolted breaths down the phone. “Pictures of my kids. And reposted them on a not very nice website. Bit scary. Trying not to panic. How do you react to this?
“I have no idea,” Bakerman answers a little too disengaged for my liking. “Can you track this person? Can you report it to the police? Maybe Wim would know.”
“Yup Wim said to report it to cyber crime,” I confirm down the phone. I’m happy that I had the right advice all along, but a bit put off that Bakerman had no other suggestions or insights to throw in. “Creeps.”
“Ok. Good,” Bakerman comforts me. “People are very bad.”
“Yes I’d love to introduce them to my friend hockey stick,” I tell him with ardour. “How much percent of the population is bad like this? Now I’m in killer mode again. I really preferred my cougar from earlier on.”
“Reset the mood,” Bakerman sighs.
“He’s really cute,” I instantly jump on the opportunity. “Smells good too. If I were really assertive, I’d make the first move. But I’m not, so I’ll just enjoy fantasizing.”
“As a cougar you have to make the first move,” Bakerman encourages me as he sees the flaw in my plan. “You know you want to.”
“I do. But I cant and I mustn’t,” I smile in admiration of my glowing inner goddess. “But it’s fun thinking I would. I could be really naughty.”
“Yes you could,” Bakerman now coaxes me in all safety. “Is it like an addiction?”
“I’m afraid that’s what it looks like,” I sigh again down the phone. “Like the craving for cigarettes. The seduction and the thrill.”
“What part do you like the most?” Bakerman wants to know.
“The downfall at the end too,” I think out loud how these kind of situations always end. Then I am quick to correct any misinterpretation of my last answer. “Noooo not that. I like the fantasy most.”
“Are you blogging it?” Bakerman asks me in a naughty voice and I know this spells trouble.
“You know, being mysterious and glamourous and desirable,” I go over all the fantasies I hold dear. “No I haven’t blogged for ages now.”
“Oh well flirt a little and see what happens,” Bakerman teases me. “Going to teach now.”
“Ooooh yes. Next Friday,” I exclaim. “It’s escapism and excuses only. I want a cigarette. I am going to buy a pack and smoke one later on. Naughty smokes.”
Later on that evening I send a text message to Bakerman: “That was a nice cigarette. Very bad though.”
I mainly use this blog to learn everything I can about how to communicate and express myself in a clear, direct and accurae way. After I have retreated into myself for weeks, talking to Buddha, taken away the clutter, I am ready to cultivate kind and calm conversations again. Together, let’s shift out the internal chatter and get into the present moment.