“Hmmm well… she’ll never let my brother leave home, because if he leaves she’ll have to sell it and move out,” I have given our previous conversation extensive thought and want to elaborate on it with the Doctor. “Half that house is my stepdad’s. They’re divorced. She kicked him out and kept the house arguing that it was the “kids” home. She’s not the saint her family have promoted her to. I must accept she’s not perfect and neither am I. She’s just a human being who got it all wrong.”
“Wonderful,” the Doctor beams encouragingly. “So why shiver and shake when you see her?”
“I don’t know,” I hesitate for a moment. “It comes from within. She scares me to death. Have always been scared of her.”
“Inherited beliefs,” the Doctor brushes off what I consider to be a big deal. “Time to grow up I think.”
“Yes… she’s not going to kill me,” I comfort myself. “She just used to scream that at me. Maybe someone used to scream that at her.”
“Stop doing it too,” the Doctor warns me.
“What? I never!” I cry dismayed. “Oh but I do. I am blood thirsty for a lot of people, especially if they might be harmful for my kids. But never ever ever thought or said that to my littles, never.”
“I was referring to doing it to your mother,” the Doctor reminds me.
“I have however thought about killing my mom,” I admit. “Okay seriously I have. I am sorry. There are times when I can’t wait for her to be old and in a home, and this time I will make her sleep in piss. I know, I know. I do still want revenge.”
“You know she is flawed,” the Doctor tries gently.
“I know,” I admit again looking down at my hands. “And I’m not perfect either.”
“Revenge has no purpose here,” the Doctor said and he shook his head. “It will not make any difference.”
“It will,” I look up at him fiercely now, tears stinging my eyes. “For me it will. I want her to suffer like she has made me suffer.”
“If Lilly attacked you, you would completely fail to understand why,” the Doctor points out.
“I want her to feel humiliated like she humiliated me,” I spit out. “Why would Lilly attack me?”
“In the idiots mind your suffering was justified,” the Doctor informs me.
“I surround Lilly with love,” I say defensively. “Yes her suffering would be justified in my mind too.”
“Waste of energy,” the Doctor shrugs.
“Okay justified like what?” I demand to know. “I know what she says: “you deliberately went against me” and shit like that. It is not a waste of energy.”
“Do you think that all you do with your kids is seen by your kids as it was intended?” the Doctor is stern with me as he fixes my gaze through the webcam.
“It is only right,” I tell him pointedly. “Karma is a bitch, it has to be. No I still do wrong to my kids even if I don’t mean too. Being a parent is hard, I fail more than I would like.”
“Right,” the Doctor nods trying to get me back on the right track. “Otherwise how do you teach them right and wrong?”
“Huh?” I ask him in doubt of understanding him correctly.
“Ok so your mother failed miserably too,” the Doctor sighs. “Forgive but don’t forget and move on.”
“I am still waiting for her to be in a home,” I won’t let it go so easily.
“I think you might lack empathy skills,” the Doctor smiles meekly. “Your brothers will take care of her.”
“I do lack empathy,” I admit again. “People have told me. Don’t know how to learn that.”
“Learn it,” the Doctor urges. “It has huge value.”
“I would hope for her sake that those 2 bastards do take care of her, because I will torment her if it is up to me,” I am all up in arms again.
“It starts by listening to others,” the Doctor soothes me again.
“I kind of miss having you around,” I try to change the subject subtly.
“Have you been tested for psychosis?” the Doctor raises an eyebrow at me.
“No,” I look at him curiously. “Why what do you think is wrong with me?”
“Give it some thought,” the Doctor teases me.
“I’m psychotic?” I ask in disbelief.
“Nothing much,” the Doctor smiles. “No I was joking.”
“Well you have to be something, either psychotic or neurotic,” I go on. “No you’re not. You think I’m insane too.”
“Ok then you are a nutotic,” the Doctor laughs amused.
“A nutotic?” I repeat.
“Yes a but case,” the mischief is clear on the Doctor’s face now.
“A but case?” I repeat again.
“Nut case,” the Doctor is now laughing out loud.
“I’m dying for a cigarette,” I am not amused at him laughing at my expense. “Sigh.”
“Get an e-cig,” the Doctor says as he recollects himself.
“I have one,” I say disinterested. “It’s boring.”
“Use it,” the Doctor urges. “True.”
“No real fire,” I tell him.
“Smoke strong cigs then,” the Doctor advises.
“Yeah,” I like that idea.
“I am off to a meeting,” the Doctor makes moves to get up and turn off the webcam. “See you later. I miss you too.”
I am preparing myself for much better days. Mark my words.
In love & light,