“Good morning,” I smile calmly down the phone the next morning. I have had a good night’s rest and got my thoughts sorted. Just as I like it. “Just reading an interesting quote which joins the energy course work I am doing right now: ‘Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.’ That’s Carl Jung. Anyway what do you want me to talk about first? My mother or my blocks? Or both.”
“Both,” the Mentalist replies eagerly.
“Okay well… Let’s look at the facts,” I start out. “She said ‘I want a daughter’. I believe she is sincere and I feel the pull as she is my mother. But this was so important to her that she cancelled twice. Now let me say my stuff first before you jump at me please. Not once was she interested in how hurt I have been or what it meant to me to suffer exclusion, rejection and shunning like that. No, she just wants to make up. She decided. And what does it mean to make up? What has changed? What is different? Does this mean I go down there and see the rest of them? The family who is disgusted with me as she told me? See so that is several blocks. My mother, the family, etc. I feel deep humiliation, anger, hurt, self worth shattered, etc. And then I realized that that is not what I want. I want peace of mind. And I have that now in my life. I am okay with the situation as is. I got out of the drama and the patterns and the toxicity. I don’t want to be dragged in again. But I also love my mother, and yes, it would be nice to be loved by her. So I can see her occasionally and be nice with her and set healthy boundaries. But that’s it. You said yourself, gossip kills. Part of me died with all her lies and the nasties that went on for years. I don’t want that back. I don’t want that example for my kids. So I also decided I will work on my own feelings and try to dissolve my fear and anxiety and work through my blocks of self worth.”
“Keep going,” the Mentalist encourages me excitedly. “This is good stuff.”
“She expected an answer to her question shall we make up. But there is no answer. It is what it is,” I tell him in utter dismay. “Really? I thought you would be telling me off again.”
“No keep going. You are now exhibiting a much more mature approach,” the Mentalist sounds very pleased. “Excellent. We are getting somewhere now. So far you are correct.”
“There isn’t much more,” I conclude. “I think that the realization that I am not going back but that I can love her and be nice to her from where I am here is a huge step forward for me. It is showing me that my value and self worth is actually better than I thought it was because I won’t jeopordize it. I won’t let them tear me down again. We are? Oh goodie”
“I will give my opinion after I complete my session with Dani,” the Mentalist is in a rush all of a sudden.
“Feeling the feelings is a tough challenge,” I confide in him softly. “Okay.”
“Yes it is,” the Mentalist lingers another moment.
“Say ‘hi’ to Dani for me,” I tell him fondly.
“See you in a little while,” the Mentalist bids me goodbye for the moment. And he seals our call with a famous tease: “Well done angle.”
“Thanks for listening,” I am grateful to have such friends in my life. Who know how to listen, how to comfort, when to tell me I am wrong. Not necessarily needing to help or rescue me, but just be there for me when it counts the most.
Sure enough, the same afternoon, the Mentalist returns my call to pick up from where we left off.
“Ok. Here is my opinion,” my doctor friends cuts to the chase immediately. “Firstly well done on sticking to your guns. I think you should keep in mind your values and standards. You should tell your mom that you are happy to see her and you will see her when you want to and not because you must see her. You will call first to make sure she likewise wants to see you. Same goes for the kids. No more bullshit and hurt will be acceptable.”
He pauses a moment to make sure he has my full attention: “You will keep this part to yourself. You will treat her superficially until trust is restored. You will decide that. Your conversation must never get to deep. If you see she is focusing on negative things and thoughts or on your children’s behaviour it is time to leave and go home. You will see her for short periods to start with and build up from there. Love is a slow process. Any time it becomes painful or toxic you will withdraw and try again sometime later in the month. Expect and plan set backs. Know that you are equally responsible for set backs. Look for ways to communicate with her that work. Don’t get drawn back into right and wrong exchanges. You are a powerful woman in your own right. Keep the respect between you fresh all the time. Keep it mature. Don’t allow yourself to revert back to your childhood sensations. Mom will try to take you there as that is where her power lies with you.”
“Okay so actually Monday already went pretty wrong,” I suddenly pick up on the subtleties of our conversation. “She talked about Graham again, and did focus on my kids’ behaviour towards the end.”
“It will take practice to get it right,” the Mentalist reassures me not to worry.
“I stayed clear of talking about deeper feelings and whatever is going on in my personal life,” I admit gladly.
“If after several attempts you might have to take break for awhile,” the Mentalist sets realistic expectations for me. “Yes stay away from your personal life. Only mention your successes. If she asks be polite and suggest she leaves Graham out of your conversations.”
“Okay,” I nod to myself. “Should I invite her in a month, reciprocate or wait to hear from her again?”
“Wait a little,” the Mentalist advises. “Say two weeks then invite her for tea.”
“But not at my place surely?” I ask alarmed.
“No,” the Mentalist barks. “In a cafe please. Not yet at home.”
“Okay,” I smile as I immediately know all the things I need to do next to sabotage myself all over again. I am good at that too. Quite successful.
“Anyway you did well,” the Mentalist gives me a mental pat on my shoulders. “It’s worth a try to fix your relationship but it must be on your terms.”
This is it Darlings!
The first day of 2019 is upon us.
No doubt, some beautiful and wondrous things have happened the past twelve months. I have had a fair share of struggles and setbacks, too.
While you may want to say a big ole “Adios 2018!!” I’m here to say, “Not so fast.” Because look…
There’s a lot of unleveraged wisdom to be mined from the past twelve months, if you know how to find it.
Uncelebrated accomplishments. Hard-won lessons you’d be wise not to repeat. And, some negative emotional patterns that are ready to be let go. Which brings me to today’s blog post.
It’s a classic and SO worth your time.
In this post, I have shared a simple year in review ritual that’s ideal to do right now — before the craziness of every day life takes over.
Feeling the feelings, breathing deeply into these feelings and reminding myself that I am safe… This simple 3-step method helped me leverage what I’ve learned and clear my mental and emotional decks in preparation for a great year ahead.
All you need is 10 minutes. This exercise process is fast, powerful and fun to do.
With all my love,